Many of us have a hard time dealing with disappointments due to an inability to accept hand we have been dealt. Instead, we fight against “what is” making ourselves, and oftentimes others, miserably as a result. If radical acceptance is not a concept you are familiar with or one that comes naturally to you, read on to learn how this skill can be practiced, developed and eventually, even become part of your nature.

Practice Radical Acceptance

Think back to childhood fairy-tales.  Notice how chaos ensues in the world of the story when the characters fail to accept their lot in life. The woman who is infertile “gives birth” to a child, but there’s a catch (Thumbelina, Little Otik). Rapunzel’s mother does not have enough radishes to satisfy her pregnancy cravings, the owner of the golden goose once all the gold once… In every case there’s dissatisfaction, and inability to accept nature, a struggle against it and chaos ensues.

What can we learn from these archetypal stories?

Maybe you don’t have the dream job you thought you would, maybe your marriage failed, or your boyfriend cheated, perhaps you cannot have children or the ones you have are “ungrateful”. Instead of kicking and screaming and spending your energy fighting against Nature and the Universe, consider first allowing a Radical Acceptance to occur. Ironically, often this first step is the very thing that must occur before a change in your reality can occur. But acceptance is the thing you are fighting against. Want to change your life, Radical Acceptance is the is first step.

How do you begin to practice Radical Acceptance? Take a look at the following steps for start.

Look to the Laws of T’ai Chi

One of the core philosophical concepts of the philosophical practice of T’a Chi is that “movement and tranquility, in alternation, become each the source of the other”. There can be no happiness without despair. There can be no calm without chaos. More importantly it is only through chaos that peace is found.

When you find yourself in what seems to be a storm of frustration and disappointment, consider that just as there is a calm before the storm, there is also a calm awaiting afterwards. Become the Observer. Make a conscious choice not to judge the situation, not to decide, not to try and fix or fight against anything just yet. Instead, just wait. Allow the natural laws of calm and chaos to move you into a better space.
And while you are waiting…

Take Responsibility

What I have found is that many moments of frustration are preventable. In my client work I sometimes hear my own clients have some culpability in the frustrating situation they sometimes find themselves in.

Sometimes there are minor consequences.

Did you fail to pay your phone bill only to have it shut off? Where you late to a hairdresser appointment that the salon then would not honor? Did you fail to pay your taxes, are you late to your work regularly, behave in a way that was less than stellar?

Sometimes there are more serious consequences.

Did you lie in an attempt to hurt others? Did you allow your behaviors to be motivated by hate? Have you been unkind, dishonest or behave with a lack of integrity? The outcomes in these cases might hold harsher penalties in the karmic world. They are also huge opportunities for growth through redemption.

In the world of disappointment it is very important to see these setbacks as potential moments of learning. That can only happen when you get honest with yourself. Whether it’s something minor like your phones been shut off, or something major such a favorable court decision, before you start blaming others or complaining about the injustice of it all, examine your behavior through the filter of brutal honesty and identify the lesson in your situation for you.

Disconnect – Change your focus

Got a nasty email from the ex? Turn off the computer and turn on the music. Change your state by changing your environment and interrupt your emotional and thought pattern. Allow your mind to began to disconnect by changing your focus.

Traffic jams become a breeze when you turn to an audiobook, or your favorite podcast show.

Instead of complaining about co-workers, make a point to make eye contact and smile with difficult person at work on a regular basis. Focus on connecting instead of criticizing. Something as simple as genuine human contact can be incredibly effective. Even if the other person doesn’t change, you know you’ve done your best and even the shift in effort makes workplace friction little less so.

On weekends were you might only have fifty bucks in your pocket, change the focus from your lacking to your generosity – volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Not only will you be helping your community, but you will feel a wash in gratitude when you help others less fortunate than yourself.

Changing your focus doesn’t come easily. It might be uncomfortable and unfamiliar. At least if you’re doing it right it should be.

If knowing how to change focus when disappointed or frustrated is not your default, you are going to have to work harder at it. Just like anything else, you get better at it with practice. Practice moving yourself from one state into that another by changing your focus and before long it will become second nature, and a very healthy coping mechanism.

Respond, Don’t React

Our lives are crazy hectic and can turn on a dime, so can our emotions. Instead of reacting to frustrating situations with force and fight, slow down to observe who and how you are being. Slow down to observe your own behavior, and your own reaction.

Can you change the tone of your voice? Can you change the words you are using? Is it possible you are even wrong and the closest road to resolution is in acknowledging that?

Or maybe you have assessed the situation and it is clear there is no change in your approach that that will remedy it. This is a good thing to know too. As my calculus professor, Mr. Fishman, said to me one fateful day back in college, in response to my worry that I was failing his class, “Sometimes the best thing to learn in life is when to withdraw.”

Soon after, by the way, I freed myself from his class and became an English Literature major. It was great advice that I share with clients to this day. Thank you, Mr. Fishman.

Be Grateful

There is a Jewish folktale titled, “Things Could Always be Worse” .  It is a great moral lesson on gratitude and how the practice of it can shift your perspective. Read the story for yourself sometime and get grateful.

In the meantime, practice being grateful for every situation you find yourself in, even the crummy ones, knowing that it could always be worse. Where you in a car accident? Be grateful that everyone is okay. Were there some injuries? Be grateful they are not worse.

One lonely Thanksgiving I was feeling pretty lousy, cooking a feast for one. I had been newly divorced and my ex-husband and I had agreed to alternate holidays. It was my first holiday without my children.

Instead of telling my large circle of friends that I was available, I stayed home to feel sorry for myself. Dicing vegetables for my dinner I accidentally injured myself with a kitchen knife. The cut was deep enough that I knew it would require medical attention. Or perhaps it really didn’t, but I was feeling sad and dramatic so an ER visit on a major holiday seemed to make sense.

Waiting in the emergency room, crying inside at my circumstance, I spotted another woman whom I learned later was named Jenny. Jenny had her hand and forearm draped in a kitchen towel and seemed to be in pain. At one point she moved to readjust the towel and it fell to the floor. Her hand exposed, I could see large blisters and third-degree burns throughout the area.

I asked Jenny what had happened and she told me the story of how she was trying to surprise her family with a deep-fried turkey for Thanksgiving and the accident that had occurred in the process of that good intent.

“Where’s your family now?” I asked.

It turns out they were all at home eating the turkey Jenny had injured herself on while preparing. She was alone, like I was, on Thanksgiving day at the ER. But unlike me, who really had chosen to be alone, and unlike me, whose children were not available to no fault of their own… This woman had friends and family to chose to abandon her on Thanksgiving Day in the Emergency Room. In fact, it turned out that jenny herself had had to drive herself to the ER because no one wanted to “spend Thanksgiving in the ER”, even if it meant mom and wife sitting there alone.

Yes, things could always be worse.

I immediately called up a girlfriend and told her I was flying solo on Thanksgiving… She came and picked me up immediately and brought me back to her home where I was made welcome, fed and cared for and loved. This was available to me all along, but it took a glimpse at a condition worse than mine in order to spot what I had before me. And I was grateful.

Let Go

None of the above suggestions working? Sometimes there are situations too hard to ignore and sometimes it is just too soon to overcome them. In these cases give yourself permission to let go. Let go of expectations. Let go of the fight. Let go of frustrations. And trust.

I’m a big believer that the Universe never leaves you alone. So if you even despite all the words you feel yourself still in a state of disappointment and frustration, perhaps the only thing left to do is to let go and allow yourself to be. And then trust that you will know exactly when it is time to start moving from that place, again.

The vast majority of my clients achieve success for themselves. This is because I only work with clients who I believe will succeed.

If I sense up-front that someone isn’t right for my approach, I’d rather not take take their time or money.  Read below to find out if you and I were meant to be…

I don’t take on clients –

• Who are looking for a short-term boost rather than a long-term solution.
• Who want to passively have someone “fix them”.
• Who are “on the fence” about getting their problem solved.
• Who want to blame their ex, their parents, the system, the economy… you get the idea.

I look forward to working with you if -

• You are ready to do the work it takes to get your goal accomplished.
• You are ready to learn and change to achieve your outcome.
• You take responsibility for your decisions and actions.
• You want a natural, drug-free solution to your issue.

A few other things you should know about me -

•  Pricing:  The services I offer enable clients to make profound changes in their lives, usually very quickly.  I charge accordingly.
• Approach: All work is done with a tailored, one-on-one approach working with me directly.  There are no use of scripts, light/sound goggles or CDs.  In addition to weekly goal oriented solutions, working with me often involves coaching and tasks done outside of the office. Yes, I give “homework”. 
• Medication:  I cannot prescribe, nor am I a proponent of psychotropic drugs. That being said, I understand that they can be a short term buffer between “no longer” and “not yet”.  For most, there are great alternatives to anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications. and I have great referral sources to local medical doctors who can support that. Let’s talk.

If you have read this far, thank you. If you have questions and would like to reach me, please do not hesitate in contacting me.

And while pain is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over, even marry it to anger and have a hard time letting go.

An inability to let go can cause distress, distract us from work and family. It can also hinder future relationships, make us reluctant to open up to new things and people. We get trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on life as it happens… and even the mundane is beautiful and worth being present for.

We need to learn to let go. We need to be able to forgive, so we can move on and be happy, or at least less miserable.

This is something I have grappled with myself — after years of having to manage a “high conflict” relative, I built resentment  and anger, neither one of which was my body built for.  After allowing these emotions to grow to a point that they were physically damaging me, I decided to attack my negative feelings as if my life depended on it, because it did.  It was only after taking the task this seriously I finally let go of so much anger and moved closer to forgiveness.

Forgiveness can change your life. It can return to your soul the internal space to grow again, be grounded, present and love.

Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past, or forget what has happened. It does not mean the person was or is “right” or even mean the other person will change his or her behavior — you cannot control that. All it means is that you are holding onto the lessons and letting go of that which no longer serves you–letting go of the anger and pain, and moving on to a better place yourself.

Forgiveness is for you– and it is not easy. But you can learn to do it.

If you’re holding onto pain, reliving it, and cannot let go and forgive, read on for some things I have learned.

1. Commit to letting go. You are not going to do it in day or maybe not even in a month. It can take time to get over something. So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.

2. Think about the pros and cons. What problems does this pain cause you? Does it affect your relationship with this person? With others? Does it affect work or family? Does it stop you from pursuing your dreams, or becoming a better person? Does it cause you unhappiness? Think of all these problems, and realize you need to change. Then think of the benefits of forgiveness — how it will make you happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your relationships and life in general.

3. Realize you have a choice. You cannot control the actions of others, and should not try. But you can control not only your actions, but your thoughts. You can stop reliving the hurt, and can choose to move on. You have this power. You just need to learn how to exercise it.

4. Empathize. Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did. Start from the assumption that the person is not a bad person, but just did something wrong. What could he or she have been thinking, what could have happened to them in the past to make them do what they did? What could this person have felt as he or she did it?  What did he or she feel afterward? How does this person feel now? You are not saying what they did is right, but are instead trying to understand and empathize.

5. Understand your responsibility. Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening next time? This is not to say you are taking the blame– there might be an explanation, which is very different than having an excuse.  While we are not  taking responsibility away from the other person,  we can realize we are participants in life, and not life’s victims.

6. Forgiveness is for you. Now that you have reflected on the past, realize that the past is over. It is not happening anymore, except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress. Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment. What are you doing now? What joy can you find in what is happening right now? Find the joy in life now, as it happens, and stop reliving the past. By the way, you will inevitably start thinking about the past again, but just acknowledge that, and gently bring yourself back to the present moment.

7. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine each breath going out is the pain and the past, being released from your body and mind. And imagine each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you up. Release the pain and the past. Let peace enter your life. And go forward, thinking no longer of the past, but of peace and the present.

8. Feel compassion. Finally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on. Feel empathy for the person and let them go. Let compassion for them, and yourself, grow in your heart. It may take time, but if you are stuck on this point, repeat some of the ones above until you can get here.
—

A client requested that I share my thoughts on stress-free parenting, as the mother of three and step parent to two. Yes, that’s five kids all under the same roof– and the noise that accompanies.  And while I have learned a lot about being a mother, and finding joy in parenthood, I also know that stress-free parenting is a myth.

Parents will always have stress: we not only have to deal with tantrums and scraped knees and refusing to eat anything you cook, but we worry about potential accidents, whether we are ruining our kids, whether our children will find happiness as adults and be able to provide for themselves and find love.

That said, I’ve learned that we can find peace.

Peace isn’t a place with no stress, but a place where you take the stress as it comes, in stride, and don’t let it rule you. You let it flow through you, and then smile, and breathe, and give your child a hug.

Are you anxious at times? I am. Let’s face it, there’s plenty of anxiety to go around: the downturn in economy, lay-offs, relationship crises, pandemics, violence – and that’s just for starters.

Actually, anxiety is a natural alarm system that keeps us safe and productive. But it can become a chronic mindset. When that happens, it can deaden joy and stifle creativity.

How to tackle anxiety
In my life it’s not so much the big-ticket items like the current influenza or the economic meltdown that make me anxious, it’s the fact that I tend to over-commit myself. The result is that I’m always a bit behind schedule. Anyone else feel like that?

One way to deal with overload is to pare down commitments, as Leo Babauta describes in his beautiful post, How to be less busy in a busy, busy world. Another way is to change our ingrained thought patterns and emotional responses.

Luckily there are some wonderful techniques that can help us to stay relaxed, focused, grounded, and cheerful – even under pressure. After all, anxiety is not produced by something external. It’s an internal response to stress. We can train the mind to respond in a more skillful way.

I want to share with you how I stay reasonably sane, grounded, and creative in the midst of a full life. But first let’s take a closer look at anxiety.

Fight-flight-freeze: three responses to anxiety
Anxiety is a low-grade fear. It’s difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of one’s anxiety. That’s because anxiety is pervasive, whereas fear has a clear target.

We are hardwired to respond in three different ways when faced with danger: fight, flight, or freeze.

Imagine that you are hiking in a National Park. Suddenly you spot a bear. Faced with immediate danger, you instinctively choose one of three options: you either try to scare off the bear by making yourself look big, or by shouting (that’s the ‘fight’ response). Or you immediately turn and run to safety (that’s the flight response). Or you stand very still in the hope that the bear won’t notice you (that’s the ‘freeze’ response).

Let’s look at how these responses play out in everyday life:

1. Fight: When we’re anxious, we tend to be irritable. This is the ‘fight’ response. Because anxiety is pervasive and doesn’t have a clear target, we tend to snap at those around us.

2. Flight: Sometimes we try to avoid what makes us anxious. People who suffer from severe anxiety even avoid stepping outside their home.

3. Freeze: The freeze response produces procrastination and stage fright. I certainly know about these two. You too?

Note that I’m talking about ordinary anxiety, and not about anxiety disorders. If you suffer from panic attacks or phobias, read this useful article, or get professional help.

Anxiety is an emotion that sends our mind into the future. After all, nobody is anxious about the past, right? As human beings we tend to think in stories that are like mind-movies. Anxious mind-movies usually have a ‘what if?’ scenario.

So what winds us up into anxiety are particular thought patterns and stories. Take a look at the following list and see if any points seem familiar:

1. Self-doubts: Do you doubt your ability? Do you think you haven’t got what it takes, in order to succeed?

2. Wanting Control of the future: Do you want to want to control what happens in future? The truth is that even if we lay great plans, the unexpected can happen. And life has inescapable tides: we age and finally die.

3. High self-expectations: Sometimes we become our own slave-driver. I must admit, that’s definitely a weakness of mine. It’s good to step back at times and check out whether our expectations are realistic – and kindly.

4. Fear of failure: Are you afraid to fail? The truth is that all learning entails failure. Prof. Tal Ben-Shahar, an exponent of the Positive Psychology movement says, “Learn to fail, or fail to learn.”

5. Not being present: This is a key factor of anxiety. When our thoughts dwell on the future, and we stop being truly present, that’s when we can become anxious.

As you can see in the list above, all these internal factors are mental habits that we can change in order to alleviate and transform anxiety. And it’s the last one – being present – that’s the key to inspiration.

Inspiration lives in the present
There is an amazing short video with Brother David Steindle-Rast – a Christian monk. As a boy, he experienced the last years of World War II in Germany. He tells of great hardships: never knowing where the next meal would come from, having to queue for hours for a small pitcher of water, and seeing bombs fall all around him.

Would you be anxious in a situation like this?

Surprisingly, Brother David wasn’t anxious – his experience was completely the opposite: it was one of the happiest times in his life! How could that be? His explanation is quite simple. Because there seemed no possibility of survival and no hope for the future, all he could do was to be in the present moment. This created a deep sense of happiness – in the midst of all that suffering.

Moments of inspiration – like watching the video of Brother David – remind us of our life purpose. We feel uplifted, excited, and yet grounded. I think the reason why moments of inspiration touch us so keenly, is because they remind us of our deepest aspirations.

Sometimes we confuse aspirations with personal goals, but they are completely different. Aspirations are the answer to the question: “What do I want to give the world?” Whereas personal goals are the answer to the question, “What do I want the world to give me?”

Four ways to transform anxiety into inspiration
Here are four ways you can start to transform anxiety into inspiration:

1. Simplify your life: The best guide I have seen so far, is Leo Babauta’s lovely new ebook The Simple Guide to a Minimalist Life. He takes you right through the necessary steps to simplify your life. It doesn’t happen overnight, but can definitely decrease anxiety in the long run.

2. Write everything down: Holding too many ideas and plans in one’s head can cause anxiety. A very simple remedy is to record all your ideas, dates, and schedules so that you free up your memory. Buy a simple notebook that you carry with you, or invest in a smart phone that can store appointments and idea.

3. Learn to relax: The anxious body is tense and needs rest and relaxation. There is a good relaxation and sleep hypnosis recording, created by Jon Rhodes. It’s free and you can find it here

4. Practice meditation: If you really want to change the mental habits that keep you ensnared in anxiety, you’ll find meditation a real help.

I know it can be daunting to learn to meditate. And busy people sometimes find it difficult to set time aside to practice meditation. I’ve come across an easy way to get into meditation. I call it the Three-Breaths meditation. You can do it in one minute or less. It’s a natural way to meditate and doesn’t require you to learn complicated techniques.

The Three-Breaths Meditation entails taking a few moments each day in order to pay tender regard to three breaths as they flow in and out of your body. For best results, keep upright posture so that your body and mind are well balanced. A thoughts come and go, observe them with soft attention and bring your focus gently back to your breath. I suggest practicing this easy micro-meditation a few times during the day. You’ll notice that it brings you right back home to the present moment.

Of course there’s a lot to be said about turning anxiety into inspiration – that’s the subject of some of the work I do with my clients and integral change work… But, I hope that you can find something in this post that helps you to start moving away anxiety and towards inspiration.

Learning to guide our mind away from unskillful emotions, like anxiety, fear or anger, and towards kindness and cheerfulness, is a wonderful way to enhance our life and bring about happiness.

If there’s one thing you take away from this post, I hope it’s that ease and inspiration come from experiencing the present moment.
Like. Now.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

It is possible you already have mastered the art of relaxing.  If so, congratulations. You are a Get Less Done master. All you need now, perhaps, is to let go of the guilt you might feel, and enjoy this relaxation.

But for those of you who have forgotten how to relax, you’re going to have a tougher time. Here’s a hint: don’t stress out about it. If you don’t know how to relax, it’s OK. Breathe. Take it slowly. One step at a time.

Relaxation Tips for the Hopelessly Wired

• Take 5 minutes to go outside for a walk. Breathe the fresh air. Yes, it’s out there.
• Give yourself more time to do things. More time means less rush.
• After work, get outside, take in nature, run around if you can.
• Play. Play like a child. Play with a child… more cathartic than you might ever imagine.
• Give yourself a day off. Sleep. Watch TV. Eat bon bons.
• At work, give yourself an hour off. Don’t try to be productive. Just have fun.
• Work with someone who is exciting. Get excited about a project.
• Take evenings off. Seriously, no working in the evenings.
• Get a massage.
• Take a warm bath.
• Read.
• Breathe.
• Read and breathe and the same time.

Step by step, learn to relax. Learn that productivity isn’t everything, and creating is ALL. Moreover, creating is wonderful, but you don’t need to fill every second with work to create things of value– they are two very different animals. When you do work, get excited, pour yourself into it. When you change how you work, you will see what you create change… and then you can relax.

A couple, like an individual, typically has an instinct to try to solve one’s own problems. However, a couple—again like an individual—has blind spots that can be overcome. It is sometimes difficult to go beyond the immediate situation or issue without an objective party to help neutralize the high emotions enough to get to a place of understanding and negotiation. This is where couples work can help, and move you along further in less time.

Typically, couples come into therapy as a “last ditch” effort. Professional help is often put off until separation is imminent—the point at which one cannot “take it” anymore. The reluctance to seek help outside the marriage is understandable, but too often fuels the fire in perpetuating negative cycles. The good news is that if both individuals motivated to stay together, couples work can still be effective in repairing the damage in the connection and the hurt feelings. Recognition of these matters has encouraged newly formed couples—even before marriage—to enter couples work and correct the problems that keep getting in the way.

Intimacy is something we seem to take for granted—we should all be good at it, right? Knowledge and skills are required to maintain a healthy relationship. Through couples work, Relationships can look beneath the surface and see what’s “really going on,” rather than getting bogged down in hurtful petty arguments and minutiae, which serve to mask the deeper issue. Empathy for one’s partner, as well as for oneself, is key in breaking through the gridlock. In changework for couples, each one identifies and learns about their own and their partner’s problematic patterns in thinking and feeling that are repeatedly being triggered, causing interference in harmonious relating. These patterns are perpetuated through maladaptive coping styles, leading to a continuation of the destructive cycle.

In my approach, couples learn how to interrupt or even prevent the negative cycles from continuing by being aware of the triggers and patterns, and developing new ways of interacting. This opens up a new approach for couples in working with each other and navigating though conflicts toward resolution and better management of the relationship.

I’m not saying you should surf the web all day, or take naps all afternoon … but why not? Why not enjoy a much deserved, or a not so well deserved  nap? Why not take a long lunch and then a siesta? Why not enjoy a long bath, or a good book?

I hear client’s tell me often, “I just can’t seem to be productive…”

My answer: “Go with it.”

Certainly, we need to produce sometimes, especially if we have to pay the bills, but an obsession with productivity is unhealthy. When you can’t get yourself to be productive, relax. Let go of the need to be hyperefficient. Stop feeling guilty about enjoying yourself.

But what if I can’t motivate myself … ever?

So, here’s the “productivity paradox”.

Relax. Enjoy yourself. You’ll  be happier.  If you work when you become inspired, on things you’re excited about, and create amazing things, that’s motivation. Not forcing yourself to work when you don’t want to, on things you don’t want to work on — well, that leaves a void, a space where creativity can grow and that’s exciting, and that’s when you become motivated– and work.

Motivation is doing things you love, but only as long as you really want to.

This is how I work every day. I work on a lot of projects, on things I really care about, with people I enjoy working with.

Simply put, there is too much emphasis these days on productivity, on hyper-efficiency, on squeezing the most production out of every last minute.

People have forgotten how to relax. How to be lazy. How to enjoy life… how to take care. Perhaps worst of all, they, they have fooled themselves into thinking they don’t have time to relax and take care of themselves because doing so is not productive.

Try this: read some of the best books, magazines and blogs on productivity, and see how many will tell you how to get the most out of the time you spend waiting, how to maximize your energy, how to make use of your commute time, how to make every meeting more effective, how to get more out of your workday, how to crank out more widgets.

People are working longer hours, constantly checking their inboxes, constantly focused on Getting More Done.

But to what end?

Are we producing more in order to make more money for corporations? Or to make more money for ourselves? Or just to hold on to our jobs — jobs we might not like anyway?

It is possible we’re trying to get more done because we love doing it — and if that’s the case, that’s wonderful. But even then, working long hours and neglecting the rest of life isn’t always the best idea. Sometimes it’s good to get less done, to relax, to breathe.

Positive thinking, and the art and practice of it is not only misunderstood, but fairly overrated as well. Simply thinking “positively” without first taking inventory of your habits, your thinking, your energy and behavior, is like trying to plant a garden over a sea of weeds. Planting your garden, without first ridding your soil of unwanted weeds– life that does not fit you, serve you, or that you want, just doesn’t work. There is no room for the new garden until you have faced your current plot of land with honest eyes, cleaned out the rubbish and made space.

Negative talk and negative self-talk are the first pieces of rubbish that need to go.

I wish I had a dime for every time I heard someone making a negative comment about me, about others, about themselves. That last is really the worst. I could retire on those dimes.

The thing is, before making life better with positive thinking and imaging, we have to spot our negative thinking habits.

Negative thinking, in all its many splendid forms, has a way of creeping into conversations and our thinking without our noticing them. The key to successfully making core changes in your way of thinking  is learning to spot these thoughts and pull them out by the roots. Then replace them with positive ones. You’ll notice a huge difference in everything you do.

As the Dalai Lama said, “The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful.”

Let’s take a look at 10 common ways that negative thinking emerges (there are many more, of course) — get good at spotting these patterns, and practice replacing them with positive thinking patterns. Shifting your thinking

10 Deadly Sins of Negative Self-Talk

1. I will be happy once I have _____ (or once I earn $X).

Problem: If you think you can’t be happy until you reach a certain point, or until you reach a certain income, or have a certain type of house or car or computer setup, you’ll never be happy. That elusive goal is always just out of reach. Once we reach those goals, we are not satisfied — we want more.

Solution: Learn to be happy with what you have, where you are, and who you are, right at this moment. Happiness doesn’t have to be some state that we want to get to eventually — it can be found right now. Learn to count your blessings, and see the positive in your situation. This might sound simplistic, but it works.
2. I wish I were as ____ as (a celebrity, friend, co-worker).

Problem: We’ll never be as pretty, as talented, as rich, as sculpted, as cool, as everyone else. There will always be someone better, if you look hard enough. Therefore, if we compare ourselves to others like this, we will always pale, and will always fail, and will always feel bad about ourselves. This is no way to be happy.

Solution: Stop comparing yourself to others, and look instead at yourself — what are your strengths, your accomplishments, your successes, however small? What do you love about yourself? Learn to love who you are, right now, not who you want to become. There is good in each of us, love in each of us, and a wonderful human spirit in every one of us.

3. Seeing others becoming successful makes me jealous and resentful.

Problem: First, this assumes that only a small number of people can be successful. In truth, many, many people can be successful — in different ways.

Solution: Learn to admire the success of others, and learn from it, and be happy for them, by empathizing with them and understanding what it must be like to be them. And then turn away from them, and look at yourself — you can be successful too, in whatever you choose to do. And even more, you already are successful. Look not at those above you in the social ladder, but those below you — there are always millions of people worse off than you, people who couldn’t even read this article or afford a computer. In that light, you are a huge success.

4. I am a miserable failure — I can’t seem to do anything right.

Problem: Everyone is a failure, if you look at it in certain ways. Everyone has failed, many times, at different things. I have certainly failed so many times I cannot count them — and I continue to fail, daily. However, looking at your failures as failures only makes you feel bad about yourself. By thinking in this way, we will have a negative self-image and never move on from here.

Solution: See your successes and ignore your failures. Look back on your life, in the last month, or year, or 5 years. And try to remember your successes. If you have trouble with this, start documenting them — keep a success journal, either in a notebook or online. Document your success each day, or each week. When you look back at what you’ve accomplished, over a year, you will be amazed. It’s an incredibly positive feeling.

5. I’m going to beat so-and-so no matter what — I’m better than him. And there’s no way I’ll help him succeed — he might beat me.

Problem: Competitiveness assumes that there is a small amount of gold to be had, and I need to get it before he does. It makes us into greedy, back-stabbing, hurtful people. We try to claw our way over people to get to success, because of our competitive feelings. For example, if a blogger wants to have more subscribers than another blogger, he may never link to or mention that other blogger. However, who is to say that my subscribers can’t also be yours? People can read and subscribe to more than one blog.

Solution: Learn to see success as something that can be shared, and learn that if we help each other out, we can each have a better chance to be successful. Two people working towards a common goal are better than two people trying to beat each other up to get to that goal. There is more than enough success to go around. Learn to think in terms of abundance rather than scarcity.

6. Dammit! Why do these bad things always happen to me?

Problem: Bad things happen to everybody. If we dwell on them, they will frustrate us and bring us down.

Solution: See bad things as a part of the ebb and flow of life. Suffering is a part of the human condition — but it passes. All pain goes away, eventually. Meanwhile, don’t let it hold you back. Don’t dwell on bad things, but look forward towards something good in your future. And learn to take the bad things in stride, and learn from them. Bad things are actually opportunities to grow and learn and get stronger, in disguise.

7. You can’t do anything right! Why can’t you be like Johnny?

Problem: This can be said to your child or your subordinate or your sibling. The problem? Comparing two people, first of all, is always a fallacy. People are different, with different ways of doing things, different strengths and weaknesses, different human characteristics. If we were all the same, we’d be robots. Second, saying negative things like this to another person never helps the situation. It might make you feel better, and more powerful, but in truth, it hurts your relationship, it will actually make you feel negative, and it will certainly make the other person feel negative and more likely to continue negative behavior. Everyone loses.

Solution: Take the mistakes or bad behavior of others as an opportunity to teach. Show them how to do something. Second, praise them for their positive behavior, and encourage their success. Last, and most important, love them for who they are, and celebrate their differences.

8. Your blog sucks. It’s super lame. You should stop writing, because you’re a moron and I hope you never reproduce.

Problem: I’ve actually gotten this comment before. It feels wonderful. However, let’s look at it not from the perspective of the person receiving this kind of comment (whether it’s on a blog or anywhere else) but from the perspective of the person giving it. How does saying something negative like this help you? I guess it might feel good to vent if you feel like your time has been wasted. But really, how much of your time has been wasted? A few minutes? And whose fault is that? The bloggers or yours? There are a million lousy blogs out there — you chose to come to this one, and you are responsible for your own actions and their consequences. In truth, making negative comments just keeps you in a negative mindset, and certainly doesn’t help the blogger. It’s also not a good way to make friends.

Solution: Learn to offer constructive solutions, first of all. Instead of telling someone their blog sucks, or that a post is lame, offer some specific suggestions for improvement. Help them get better. If you are going to take the time to make a comment, make it worth your time. Second, learn to interact with people in a more positive way — it makes others feel good and it makes you feel better about yourself. And you can make some great friends this way. That’s a good thing.

9. Oh yeah? Well up yours too!

Problem: If someone insults you or angers you in some way, insulting them back and continuing your anger only transfers their problem to you. This person was probably having a bad day (or a bad year) and took it out on you for some reason. If you reciprocate, you are now having a bad day too. His problem has become yours. Not only that, but the cycle of insults can get worse and worse until it results in violence or other negative consequences — for both of you.

Solution: Let the insults or negative comments of others slide off you like Teflon. Don’t let their problem become yours. In fact, try to understand their problem more — why would someone say something like that? What problems are they going through? Having a little empathy for someone not only makes you understand that their comment is not about you, but it can make you feel and act in a positive manner towards them — and make you feel better about yourself in the process.

10. I don’t think I can do this — I don’t have enough discipline. Maybe some other time.

Problem: If you don’t think you can do something, you probably won’t. Especially for the big stuff. Discipline has nothing to do with it — motivation and focus has everything to do with it. And if you put stuff off for “some other time”, you’ll never get it done. Negative thinking like this inhibits us from accomplishing anything.

Solution: Turn your thinking around: you can do this! You don’t need discipline. Find ways to make yourself a success at your goal. If you fail, learn from your mistakes, and try again. Instead of putting a goal off for later, start now. And focus on one goal at a time, putting all of your energy into it, and getting as much help from others as you can. You can really move mountains if you start with positive thinking.